Crap.

"I'll be just fine,

Pretending I'm not."

I'm nervous. I can't tell you why, for I don't know myself. I've got this feeling in my stomach that something is going to happen. It's weird and lame, and I don't know what to do. It's weird. I'm weird.

I guess I haven't posted a blog in forever.

So, I was the lunch table 3rd mod with the normal peoples. Me and Alex (Chink) were talking and he was like, hey did you fuck Brittani's brother? I was kinda sorta stunned. I didn't know what to say, so I just denied it. I wanted to know who said told him that, and he claimed he didn't remember. I was like baffled and then Jakob came to my rescue, again. He was all like "That's not true who said that? There's gunna get an ass kicking" All the good jazz that a best friend does. I'm still kinda like woah about it. Don't people have better things to talk about? This upsets me greatly, if I trusted you enough to tell you something like that, don't fuckin' tell other people. I'ma find out who told him, word to the wise.

Cock sucking mother fucker.

I don't like it when you make fun of me, I honestly don't know you well enough not to take it to heart everytime you say something stupid. Like what the fuck, just because everyone else says shit doesn't mean you can. They're my best friends and have been threw alotta shit with me, unlike you. I don't know you, stop talking shit. It's annoying and not cool. You're not cool.

If you think by making fun of me that you're going to get more confidence, you're wrong.

Fuck off.

You were the heart of me, can't believe you let it break.

Was her name running threw your mind when you said you loved me?
Did her face show up when you said you cared?

I don't know what I have to do for you to notice me, but I'm not trying anymore. Everyone was right about you, everyone. They told me that you'd do this, but I didn't listen because it was you. You who loves me so much. You who makes me smile so big. You who fucked me over one to many times. You. I've cried over you so much, it's retarded. I don't know why I'm so infatuated with you, but I'm done with every part of you. I cried my last time for you, I've said my last I love you. I'm not doing this shit anymore. Thank you so much for asking for my heart, taking it throwing it on the ground stomping on it and then doing the shit all over again. Fuck you. How fucked up is it to use your 'best friend'? Like really, you know how I felt about you, you know I would have done anything for you. Why would you make me think that something was going to happen? What the fuck is wrong with you? Just because you've been hurt by people doesn't mean you can hurt me. I'm the one who picked your sorry ass up every time you fell the fuck down. I'm the one who listened to you talk about being happy with someone else for the longest time. I fuckin' did all the shit you claim to do for her. You know what, I'm not even mad at you. I'm livid with myself, how can I be so stupid as to actually think that you changed? I'm so fuckin' stupid. Gawd, I can't believe I trusted you. I can't believe that for one second I believed what you said. I really don't know how I became so stupid, but I'm not anymore. I've got all the dick I need and I certainly don't need yours. You are nothing to me.

Eric, my sights are all on you now.
**Wish me luck?

I was too chicken to have this not private when I wrote it, now I don't give a shit.

Instant connections often break
No way to tell if this is gunna be great.
I can't change the past, I won't change the future.
If you can look at me and see
What I see, then maybe, just maybe.

No eyes tell lies, no mouth speaks the truth.
Nothing to live for, nothing to lose.
Baby we got this, no time to spare.
Let's ruin this world, while we're still here.

With that knife in hand, he stepped to my heart
Still beating, still loving, still pulsing like art.
Not looking at me, he spoke those words.
Now honey, we all know you're too young to fall in love
But maybe, just maybe you'll find a way to forgive me some day.

No eyes tell lies, no mouth speaks the truth.
Nothing to live for, nothing to lose.
Baby we got this, no time to spare.
Let's ruin this world, while we're still here.

No time to forgive, let's just forget.
I knew falling for you was something I'd regret.
I won't make a fuss, I won't make a scene.
I won't even give you that last little lean.
Honey, I understand.
It's okay, I'll learn to live another day.

No eyes tell lies, no mouth speaks the truth.
Nothing to live for, nothing to lose.
Baby we got this, no time to spare.
Let's ruin this world, while we're still here.

He then did something I did not expect.
He pulled me into this arms, while I wept and wept.
He softly whispered into my ear, something I was too young to hear:
I love you kid, let's just say
Maybe just maybe, you'll learn to stay away.

-(Help me pick a name?)

The Petals Say Yes (:

Ah, wanna know what makes me happy? You do. :D I dunno hahaha. You look really really good without your fences (: I love it. But I realized something today, I don't like you as much as I thought I did :D And this is great because that means I'm not like ubber creepy. I'm not infatuated with you, I just like you. Like crush wise. 'Tis great :D Otay, I'm done now, bye <3

I think about you all the time (:

I caught my self thinking about you on the drive to school today. I don't know what it means but now that I think about it, I dreamt about you last night too. Is that creeper - like? Am I weird for that? I hope not. I'm really anxious to see you again, today is one of the best days of the week because every time I'm open I get to see your smile (: Ah, how I love that smile, even if it's fenced in (: Ahaha, stupid crushes, they drive me crazy. I think I'ma start wishing for this kid (:

♥

Maybe we're not meant to be.

If I told you that we were destined to be, would you leave me?

Hmm, does love exist? I'm not talking about the family love, or the best friend love. I'm talking full blown, I wanna be with you for the rest of my life, love. Is that even achievable? Because it seems to me that every time someone I know finds it, it vanishes within three years. Is that what love is? A year or two of happiness followed by misery until you find the next person you love. If it does exist, does everyone find it? Because, I've known people who've been "in love" more then once, it's not fair. I haven't found it. I guess I've had all the dumb signs that people say you get when you're in love. Like the butterflies in the stomach, the heart stopping kisses, the stupid little heart drawings everywhere. I've had that before, fuck I have that now! It doesn't mean shit. Can you even describe love? Does it even work like that? I mean, I guess I could try and possibly fail at telling him how great he is. I guess I could tell him every second of everyday that he's all I want to be thinking about. I guess I could sit back and watch him be happy with someone else, because I know that's the only way he'll be happy. I guess I could do all that shit, but does that mean I'm in love? If I feel like my heart is going to explode every time we are close, does that make me qualify to use the term love? Am I allowed to say it to him when he's sad and mad when I don't know what it means. I just know I feel something stupid and new that I don't like. Can I use it then? Or is it that this is really nothing at all and this is just going threw my head because I'm growing up and "my body is changing". I really can't tell. It's driving me nuts, I just wanna know. Does it exist or not? And if it does, am I as screwed as every one says I am?

I'm worried.

I don't want anything to happen to you.

asdfghjkl; You mean more to me then I care to share.

♥