Gah.

I'm sitting here in US History and my teacher is droning on and on and on. Fuck, it's annoy. He never shuts up o.o Like seriously he needs to take a breath.

Brooke inspired me to write.

Ahaha, her reading makes me wanna write another one ha. I love her with my whole heart. Words can't explain how happy am I that we're talking again, you don't even know kid :D

So on to the post, I guess. First order is I might start passing American Government o.o Crazy shit right? I think so. But I'ma G and finished a project that I had 3 weeks to do in one sitting. Pfft, yes. I'm the shit, haha. I kid I kid. But my teacher is gunna shit a brick ahah. It's probably all done wrong and I'm not presenting it o.0 but it's the fact that I did it on time that matters to me :D

Second order is boys are confusing. I gave up on one and it's extremely nice. I like it alot ha. Wow, I sounded retarded there but I don't care because he's lame and doesn't know when to give up himself. **Note to you, maybe she's happier the way things are now? Ever think of what she wants? Dumbass. Ah, So yes. I'm done with that one. And just when I'm about to be done with the other, he sweeps me off my feet :D He makes me happy just when I start to get mad and he knows my buttons and how many times to push them. I hates it(: Ah, being attached to someone is overrated. So I'ma just let this one flow. Hangout and be a slut for a few weeks, see how that goes for me. (:

Third order, of whatever. I hate who I used to be. Like so much. I was an uptight bitch who a stick up my ass every goddamn day. I dunno how or why Johnnie has been friends with me this whole time, but I commend him. He seriously put up with some unnecessary shit. You're a good bean man and I love every inch of you(:

Fourth thingy magiger. I'm fuckin' excited for Halloween! 'Shrooms mmm(: I'm kinda scared to try them, but if something happens I'll just call someone to pick me up, so if I call and I'm crying there is something seriously wrong o.o Ahaha, I'm still excited though. Me and Alicia, seven years! Crazy shit right? I know. Ahahaha.

So the last thing is about my book, that I'm burning. For those who actually want to read it, I'm down with that, but I'd like it if you didn't ask questions. They won't be answered, for anyone o.o 'Kay? 'Kay. There's a whole bunch of random song lyrics in there. Most of the repeat and there's like a 5 page love letter o.o That's the reason I'm burning it ahaha. 'Tis lame, I know.

-Let's ruin this place (;

Good song. Like truly good song.

How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,

And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Without you,
There'd be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There'd be no world left for me.
And I,
Baby I don't know what I would do,
I'd be lost if I lost you,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything real in my life,

And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Please tell me baby,
How do I go on?

If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything,
I need you with me,
Baby don't you know that you're everything,
Real in my life?

And tell me now,
How do I live without you,
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

How do I live without you?

How do I live without you baby?


**Leann Rimes; How Do I

Is there anyway to make these private?

If so I want too. I'm just in that kinda mood. I keep typing things and then deleting them. I dunno why, but today I just hate myself. I can't figure out the right words to explain it. I hates it. It's my stupid brain not wanting to function the way I want it too. I don't understand the ethics in making people different skin colors. I really don't, whatever made "us" is a fuckin' douche who needs to die. And whose ever idea it was the give "us" emotions was an idiot. No one wants to feel love, no one wants to feel pain or hate. Nobody actually wants that. Wanna know why? Because it's all bullshit, all of it. People just end up getting shot down or hurt. Like what the fuck, why would "we" allow our selves to feel like that? The good days are never worth the bad days, no matter what people fuckin' tell you. Love is not worth the pain, and hate is just a worthless emotion people use as an excuse to be fuckin' idiots. I understand that you hate me and everything that I am, you don't have to tell me every time you see me. You don't have to point it out in the hallways. You don't have to snicker with your friends about it. I get that you're an immature asshole who doesn't have feelings. I understand that it makes you "cool" to hate people who might actually care about you. I really truly understand now. I was born this way, do you honestly think that I would go threw this everyday if I had a choose? I can't fix the way I look, I can't magically be what you want me to be, I swear if I could I would. But dude, I can't. This is who I am. I dunno what's makes you think there's something wrong with me but it makes me think there's something wrong with me. There's nothing I can do about what I look like. I wish there was just one thing, but there's not. You know how to bring me to my knees. I'm never going to get over this, I dunno how to. What makes you so much better then me? I truly want to know, I dunno anymore. Maybe I was meant to never fit in.

-I'll forever be, the person I never wanted to see.

Hey guess what!

I hate my face. Otay, I'm done.

Today's Post.

"Talk to me, I'm torn.

I could get lost in a voice like yours."

-Tell me if I'm wrong or right. Tell me if I can stay tonight. It's in the way that you fool everyone when you're falling in love again, so tell me how this ends. 'Cause you're the only one. And know one knows you like I do, they don't see you like I do baby. They'll try too woah if only they knew. They'll never come close to you, they'll never come close to you.-

Ah, I love that song haha. So I have news. I'm giving up on Eric, haha. He just doesn't seem like he likes me, and surprisingly I'm chill with that. He's a cool flirt buddy or whatever you wanna call it, but he doesn't like me enough to be more, ha.

I think I'm going to burn my writing notebook. There's too much stuff in it, ha. Too many things I don't want people to read. So I'ma burn it when it's filled. Although I don't want people reading it I still want some critics or reviews on it, weird ha. So ask me to read it before I burn it(:

So, dude. You're confusing, and amazing and I really don't know what to do when I'm with you. Gah, you're lame. f;alskjdf;laks. Stop being the person you are, fucker. Ah, loved you once, love you still, always have and always will<3

Hmm, thoughts.

"As soon as forever is threw,

That's when I'll be over you"

It's raining out, so there's no way for me to feel down. I've got so much on my mind I just want to sleep and never think again. But apparently that's bad and we shouldn't do it. I'm in the writing mood I guess so I'm going to write down my thoughts. Names will be starred out and if you ask I might tell you, then again I might not. Don't take offense.

Holy shit did you know you could change the font color?!

I didn't(:

Alrighty I'm going to start with how much I hate talk to **** now. Like what the fuck happened? We were close like last month! Now all you do is rub the fact that you talk to **** in my face. What the fuck is that shit? I don't want to hear what you guys are talking about on the phone. I don't want to hear every time he calls you pretty. I don't want to hear about all that shit. I know you're just trying to piss me off and trust me honey it's working. You're such a bitch. You got mad at **** for doing the same thing you did to me. The only difference is they're dating now. Get the fuck over it, I have. Fuckin' a. I should of stopped being friends with you the second I knew you liked him, because I know you. And I know how you act. You do it with **** too. Honestly, it's seems like you only go for the guys that I like. It's ridiculous. I don't tell you things because you get mad at me for liking people. You blow everything out of proportion and you want attention way too much. **** doesn't like you. Get the fuck over it, he's happy with ****. Stop trying to ruin that for him. Fuck. Oh and stop getting all jealous when he answers my phone calls and not yours. It's probably because you're annoying as fuck and he doesn't want to talk to you! He's allowed to talk to me too, he was my best friend before he was yours. You know what, just go fuck yourself.

You're lame. You're lame. You're lame. I miss you already and it's only been a day. Damnitt, dude. Why can't you learn from your mistakes?

This is your favorite color. Or at least it was the last time we were friends. Ha. I miss us. Even if we never really labeled it that way. I miss our cuddles and kisses. I miss the way you talked to me. I miss the feeling I get when I knew you were looking at me. I miss holding your hand and sitting on your lap. I miss it all. I know you're unhappy right now, but maybe you just need to try and be happy. And if that doesn't work, hey we tried right? I just miss you.

**** you're fuckin' annoying, stop talking to me. Like now. I hate that I have to see you every other day. >:l

BEST FRIEND! BEST FRIEND! BEST FRIEND! I love you with my whole heart. Every single bit of it. I don't know why, but you're the closest thing I have right now. I don't need anyone else, as long as I have you. Weird, but I like it that way. Niggatrick<3>

I really wanna smoke a cigarette right now. You don't even know. Fuck. I shall do it in the morning.

Hmm, I think I need to do like 3 projects, but I truly don't want to do them. So I'm not. Surprised? I'm not.

I hate not having money, soo much. Fuck I wanna go to this concert soo bad! Like damnitt, this is bullshit. Fuck my mom. She's a nasty whore.

This concludes my thoughts for now. Sweet dreams?

I crossed it off my list.

I told him, everything. I just said it. I don't feel better, in fact I think I feel worse. Wanna know why? Because as usual I got my hopes up. Thinking, oh well maybe he's changed. Maybe he does feel the way he acts. Maybe maybe maybe. Maybe is a bullshit word and it needs to die. End of story. I hate telling people how I feel, I wasn't even planning on telling him. But it needed to be crossed off my list. Fuck. I pore my heart and soul into a goddamn paragraph, which is not easy need I add, and what happens? Nothing. He just tells me something I already know and then tells me something I don't want to here. Fuckin' great shit right? Not. You know the thing that pisses me off? I totally stopped thinking about him over the summer. I was with Jakob, everything was dandy and happy. Then shit hits and the fan, I lose a best friend and I have to be reminded of him. Ah. Not cool. Now when I'm with Jakob he's there too. Don't get me wrong I love love love seeing him. I just fuckin' hate it haha. Makes sense right? Not. He's just him. I love it and I hate it. I really can't decide. Something about him is so addictive. This is going to ruin me, I can soo tell. Just being friends with him is going to lead to some bad shit. It always does. But I don't care, life makes sense when I'm with him. Ha. I understand my thoughts and I can be happy. Just like with Jakob :D But that's just a friend thing. This feeling is like more, I guess. I really can't stand to see him in pain. I hate it, she treats him like shit. Just forget about her already. Be happy with me :(

Thank you so much.

"Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love."

Yes, that's all you. Don't deny it, we all know how you are. Blah yes. So here's my list of shit I wanna do before I'm 30.

ToDoList:
-Get FIRST tattoo with Jakob
-Do acid with Eric
-Do shrooms with Ladeybug
-Smoke out of a vaporizer
-Do X with Eric (Just Eric, fuck Jakey.)
-Smoke with Corpse Grinder
-Play bass
-Meet David Drainmen
-Beat Johnnie at Beer Pong
-Tell him everything
-Kill SD
-Sky dive
-Get own pipe/bong
-Smoke a bowl with Jakob (then paint his nails.)
-Play Nut Ball
-Get a job
-Produce one of my songs
-Fall in love (and stay that way)
-Roll a blunt
-Meet people who accept every part of me
-Get 6 tattoos
-Piercings: Tongue/Spider bites
-Win a game of Quarters
-Drive Oscar Meyer Truck
-Drink Colt 45
-Pick up Baby and take her to town(:<
-Touch a beating heart
-Beat Jakob at everything
(more to come)

When I hit 30 I'm supposed to go to every state and fuck one guy. Then when that's complete I'm going to every country.
**(Jakob's idea o.o)

Bold = Done.

I was wrong.

I was soo wrong. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why did I even agree to this. I know who I am, I know how to make myself happy, this is not the way. Gawd, I totally set myself up for heartbreak here. I know how he is with other girls, I've seen the way he acts. He's not going to change for me, I'm no different. He's going to get bored and drop me like the nothingness I am. Fuck, I'm so stupid. I honestly don't know what I thought it would ever work. Either way this is going to end bad, I'm going to chicken out not wanting to be left in the dust. End result we aren't friends. I stick with my choice, get heart broken and cry lots and lots. End result we aren't friends. Either way, I'm screwed beyond all reasonable doubt. I dunno what to do, I'm stuck. I don't want him mad at me. sdfgfvcfghh. What do I do?

Kidnap?

So, lunch with the normal group. 'Twas nice. This fat guy in a little coat was on this lifty thingy and Brittani and I were going to take the key so he'd be stuck, but another dude came back. Square, I know. So the bell rings and Eric O Lade is throwing this stuff away, I grab this jacket, being the G that I am. But when I turned around to see if he noticed, I see Ashley booking it with Eric O Lade's backpack. 'Twas epic! Brittani came up and was being a look out and shit. It was scary because Eric O Lade is a mass murderer. Anywho, I got into french, by this this I had his backpack and his jacket(:
So the reason why the title of this blog is kidnap is because Ashley and I kidnapped Eric O Lade's stuff, ran for our lives (literally) and made a clean get away. All during passing period(:

Asdfghjkl;

I think I lost two of my best friends. Joy.

Read me?

I'm so behind in school work it sucks. I need to get motivated. Blah, enough about school. I've got some shit on my mind that is annoying. So I'ma like vent I guess. So number one, who the fuck are you to come at me saying that I'ma whore? Really no. Just because I don't wanna jump on your dick doesn't mean I'm a whore. Fuckin' idiot, get over yourself. Number two, the chick sitting next to me is about to get punched, her laugh is soo annoying! Her laugh makes me wanna die. No joke. Ah. Number three, people are fuckin' stupid. They need to get a fuckin' brain. Number four, I'm spinning while falling down and now I'm begging you to stay. Ah, that song plus Jakob's name keeps running threw my head. I dunno why. He's still my best friend, no matter what. Ha, I'm nervous for no reason. I'm so excited too dude! Hanging with my boys after school, it's gunna be bomb shit :D By the way, I'm in love.(;

Random Thoughts.

So I stole this idea from Ashley, ha. (; It's just a bunch of shit floating in my head.

I wonder if I'll ever see Terry again, and if I do will I punch him or hug him? Do I want to see him again? No. He takes of too much time, and it's all wasted. I hate wasting time. It's square.

For some reason, lately I don't care about the fact that I'm likely to get brain cancer when I'm 40. I just don't give a fuck, I don't plan on living that long anyways.

When will I find out if Eric likes me? I get so confused with him, it's crazy. He keeps me on my toes, and I love that. I'm constantly thinking when I'm around this kid(: Ah, I like this kid. Fail on my part? Yes. Why? Because he is way too good for me.

Hmm, I hope Jasmine and Jakob last a long time. He's happy with her and it's helping me see him as just my best friend and I like it that way. He's still amazing though, there's no denying that.

Johnnie is my bud. I love this kid mucho mucho. He's always been my best friend and always will be<3

My mom's coming over to dinner tonight, yuck.

I hate everything about this school, NOT.

I can't wait for me and Baby to get married. I love her soo much :D. November 16 all the way! :D

I'm wearing my second favorite underwear today(: They is amazing :D

Why is it that math is so gay? I mean really we already know everything we need to know to get by in life. That's so square. Fuck Math.

And Literature.

And Science.

My HB teacher is being mean today.

**I'm done now.

Fuck love? I thinks yes.

Everyone is sad about there love life and all these things. And it makes me happy that I don't have one, ha. Like seriously, I get jealous way too easily and I get hurt even easier. It's just stupid for me to fall in love. I don't think I get the concept of having someone forever, it doesn't seem fair, to keep that one person for the rest of your life, not sharing him with everyone else. Of course I wouldn't ever want to share, but it's still sad. I think I'm just gunna become that one girl who hangs out with all boys and forgets about love. Who needs it, I already have all I dick I need in life. And I'm in love with all my best friends, what more could I ask for? I'm not going to try and look anymore. If for some random retarded reason a boy wants to be with me and only me, I think I might try it for the hell of it. But this dude should be warned, I fall ubber quickly and if he hurts me I will not hesitate to have his ass kicked. Like I said, my best friends are boys. But still. Love is overrated and I guess I'm only saying that because I don't have anybody to love, but oh well. What are you gunna do? It's high school, I don't want a fuckin' soul mate. Just someone to make me smile when I'm sad and to be honest I already have that. So I guess I'm set for the rest of my days. Fuck being in love, you just end up hurt anyways.

Dudes.

Today is a good day. I love my boys and I have Eric's NEW sharpie, still(: Ahaha. This makes me happy. Do my poll?

The Things You've Done To Thee.

First I'll tie you up, and play like nothing's wrong.

Then I'll stay, all the while thinking about what you've done to me.

Contemplating the pain I'm about to inflict, I'll go get my things.

Round up my shit and some of yours, clean get-aways are always the best.

Ah, the things you've done to thee.

I cut off your ears, for all the the lies I had to listen too.

I sewed your eyes open so you could see what I've become.

I ripped out your voice box, so I wouldn't have to hear that seductive cry.

All the while looking into your eyes, pray to your god I don't kill you.

My things are together, my hearts at your feet.

Some would say I did it to hurt you, I say I did it for love.

I'm walking, leaving, gasping for breath.

In a bag awaits a heart, for your true lover who plays the part.

Ah, the things you've done to thee.

I cut off your ears, for all the the lies I had to listen too.

I sewed your eyes open so you could see what I've become.

I ripped out your voice box, so I wouldn't have to hear that seductive cry.

I cut out your heart and put it in a bag, left that shit for Susie, you're new pussy.

I hope she cries, I know she'll scream.

Maybe she'll think twice before fucking with me.

Ah, the things you've done to thee.

**Old song, I'd like your opinion please.

The Devil

"I'm frustrated,

I can't believe you aren't the one."

**Bullet For My Valentine<3

I'm probably going to be jumping around a lot with this blog, my apologizes. First order of business, I'm grounded until the end of November 2nd, I know lame sauce right? I don't really feel like explaining why, but you should already know. Second order, I'm in a fantastic mood today. No joke, I'm high on life right now. I've got cancer sticks and I'm ready to fuck up my lungs. News on boys is the next topic, I guess. Hmm, what to say. I don't think Eric likes me, which makes me sad but then again I'm not too sad because I just don't care anymore. I really do like this kid, but if he doesn't like me there's really nothing I can do. Time to move on? I don't know yet. There's a 1% chance I've got a shot with him, I think I'll keep trying until that 1 hits 0. I think I had a chance with him, but I was so wrapped up on Jakob that I didn't think to be happy with someone else, ha. Fail on my part. Hmm, I would ask him, but he doesn't have email and there's no way I'm going to be rejected in person. Not cool. Third order of business are my boys(: They're amazing, I love them so much! Fourth order is me and Brittani are getting married! Yes, I love her we shall wed soon :D Happy dance? I think yes. Me and Matthew are talking, I don't know what to do. I don't wanna get in over my head with his kid. I'm like seriously terrified of getting hurt by him again. He's done the most damage, whether I want to admit it or not. This is hard. I'm done for now.

I've been beaten down.

"I've been kicked around

But he takes it all for me."

So, Eric made my day. I was outside and shit and he came running up to me and gave me a hug. 'Twas nice, very nice. He's such a cool bean, like seriously. I gets bubbly whenever I'm around him. Ahaha, this is going to end badly, I can feel it. But you know what? I don't care. Wanna know why? Because caring only makes things hurt more. Grrz, I'm annoyed. People are fuckin' dumb. Like seriously the world doesn't revolve around you. Fuckin' drop it already, not everyone has to pay attention to you, fuck. I had a semi good day today, it rained so that made it all the better. Fuckin' Barker made my day though, him and his Venom :D I love that kid :D Going to Jakob's tomorrow with Johnnie I thinks. It'll be bomb shit. I'm colder then balls dude. It's not even funny. I took a shower and I still smell like hot boys :D I love it :D

To Jakob:

So my friend, for some reason I'm totally down with you dating Jasmine. Which is weird, but I only want you to be happy. I mean when you genuinely like someone that's all you want for them is happiness. So I guess my mind is telling me you're happy with Jasmine(: But yes, I just wanted to tell you that since you're getting some much shit from other people about it. You're my best friend and always will be :D I love you, Niggatrick(: